#0039 Breaking up is hard to do

Hey Loved One,

I hope you're well and staying safe.

The personal bit

Last week I was inundated with work, building a new venture which I'll be launching launch early next year and babysitting my three-month-old niece whilst her mum is on placement. I also had to deal with today's topic so I was wiped out, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

As I write I'm about two-thirds of the way through my 18-hour or so child-free weekend. It happens around once a month when I have absolutely no kids, and honestly, I either sleep or go harder on whatever it is I'm working on. As someone who has friends with kids, I know what an absolute gift it is to have even a few hours where your brain is responsible for nothing else but yourself. So I've recharged a little.

The business bit

When I started writing this section, I was on the verge of a breakup. Not in my personal life but my professional life. I decided to part ways with a client. Not the first time it's happened. Won't be the last. And it's an incredibly draining process for everyone involved.

Every guru will tell you that business isn't personal but it's a hard rule for me to subscribe to. My business has a profound impact on my life. Besides the fact it pays the bills and supports my family, it has an undeniable impact on how I feel on any given day.

When things are great, it's a blessing. When it's hitting the fan - and business does hit the fan, often - it can keep you up at night as much as being ghosted can. So when it feels like a business relationship is coming to an end - even if you know it's for the best - it can be a time filled with anxiety.

In case you don’t know, a portion of my business is artist management. I consider my work to be quite intimate as I work to build opportunities and negotiate contracts for people. These are individuals who are not multinationals with hundreds of employees. They're incredibly passionate people with something to say to the world and their community. And my roster is fire. #humblebrag

I have always known that these relationships are never forever and it doesn't have to be. I do this work to help people. To advocate for them when they might not feel 100% able to. To bring my skills to their arsenal. Whatever is needed to help them push their personal needle forward.

However, there is another side where sometimes people stop seeing your contribution, become complacent, or leave you to shoulder all the work. There's also times where relationships don't work because we’re just not a good fit. And it’s not always them, it can be me.

In this most recent incident, my dealbreaker was crossed. My unofficial manager mentor taught me at the beginning of my career that you and your client have to share a united front publicly, even if you don't agree behind the scenes. A unified approach prevents cracks in your relationship and stops third parties from interfering for their own gain.

In this instance, that didn't happen and coupled with other things it's clear our time has run its course. I'll be honest though, even though I've had these conversations a few times, it never gets any easier. And I'll be real, I was dreading it. But in order to protect myself and the integrity of our work, it has to be done.

So what can you learn from my scenario?

Well, when working in any partnership you can have boundaries and should have a shared level of expectation. If someone consistently doesn't meet that after it's been articulated, you're not obligated to stay.

Loyalty is a two way street. As is respect. I've been told that my role as a manager is to clean up the mess when my artist figuratively ‘trashes’ the place and to never verbalise my concerns or frustrations in our working relationship. Here is the mistake people make about managers, at least this one.

As I've told people before, management is not servitude. We are too grown for bad behaviour. A manager’s role is not to suffer for their talent or to carry the burdens they choose not to carry.

My role is to fight your corner, no matter how uncomfortable that might be. To be on your side to drive your successes. To help you get the wins. That comes to an end when you think you're entitled to that support to the detriment of my wellbeing. So I suppose I'm saying its ok to walk away from a professional relationship when it no longer works for you. It's also ok to grieve it.

When you work alongside people for a long time it would be weird if you didn't feel some type of way. So acknowledge the loss but don't forget the successes and never be afraid to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you.

Things I'm applauding - Tamu Thomas' searing take on productivity

I'm now pretty convinced there is no one on social media that serves me more whiplash than Tamu Thomas. The author and coach posted this on her socials the other day and I almost threw my extremely expensive phone in agreement. I've read many a book like The 12 Week Year which I adore in principle but have always struggled to make work practically. I've always put it down to the fact that my lifestyle has so many external interdependences that it's just not practical for me, personally. So to see Tamu's point brought me such comfort that I'm not alone. After all, it can be tough to do a 5am start to meditate if your little one wakes up the same time.

I suppose the key thing to anything is adaptation: taking what works for you and leaving what doesn't. And that doesn't inherently mean there's something wrong with you. It's just not the right fit.

Things I'm Watching - Black Doves, Netflix

As part of my ‘time-off’ I watched this thrilling six-part drama starring Kiera Knightly and Ben Whishaw. Basically Kiera is an undercover spy married to the Minister of Defence for the UK. She has an affair and her boyfriend is murdered. She decides to seek vengeance and her bestie Sam (Whishaw) returns from self imposed(ish) exile to keep her out of trouble and alive.

Listen! The twists. The turns and the full belly laugh at times made this show a joy to watch. I believed Ben as an assassin which super surprised me as he plays the geek quite well (See his stint as Daniel Craig's tech expert, Q). I thought it was impressive. I was also encouraged to watch The Madness starring Coleman Domingo. Another thriller where a CNN journalist is framed for the murder of a white supremacist leader. To be honest, I struggled with Coleman playing a straight man because I know his incredibly beautiful love story on how he met his husband.

However, it has many interesting layers on a father’s relationship with his children, the Black man’s relationship with the police, the divide between white and Black people at each extreme, and something I’ve never seen before in a TV show, the way that people’s racism is just a normal ideology to them, how it’s seen as a community. Honestly, I’d watch Black Doves.

Until next time